Easiest Way to Remember the Planets in the Solar System (18+)


solar-system-439046_1920

A Father teaching his son about the planets in the solar system.

Father: What other way do I call you?
Son: son?

Father: Correct, now when you show someone your ass, what is the act called?
Son: to Moon

Father: Excellent. Ok still within your ass area, what is another word for your butthole?
Son: your anus?

Father: I’m impressed son 😊, one more question that has to do with your ass, when you get sick and you have to measure your temperature rectally, what do you use?
Son: thermometer?

Father: Right, now tell me what’s in it?
Son: mercury?

Father: Good job, what is on the other side of your ass?
Son: penis?
Father: Good, now substitute the p with a v
Son: venis?

Father: You are on a roll kiddo. What crappy car does your mom drive?
Son: Saturn?

Father: Nice, what is the name of Mickey Mouse’s dog?
Son: Pluto.

Father: So proud of you son, what is your favorite chocolate?
Son: Mars
Father: Good choice, now if you take the caramel out of that Mars Chocolate bar what does it become?
Son: Milky way?
Father: Yup, and that is the name of the galaxy that contains our solar system
Son: galaxy? Isn’t that a chocolate?

Father: Exactly, that’s what makes learning about it so sweet.
now answer this: you Rob Paul to pay who exactly?
Son: Peter.
Father: Good, now stay with me. What is Peter’s religion?
Son: Christian
Father: Right, that means he was not a – – ???
Son: Muslim?
Father: True, but try another one.
Son: Jew?
Father: Now put them together, he was not a – -?
Son: Jew Peter?

Father: You are gifted son, I think you are ready for a job at Nasa.
Son: isn’t there one more planet though?

Father: You are absolutely right, and there is no reasonable explanation to that one, I guess it fell through the cracks, they call it Neptune. Just memorize it.

P.S: I am assuming you all know we live on earth 🙂 

Raghid K. Khalil 

The Psychological State of an Egg


hbfchicken-farmmichael-george-4I am fascinated with the idea behind cage free eggs. Just to explain a little further, it’s not the egg that is supposed to be cage free because obviously it is caged within its own shell, but we’re talking about the chicken that was roaming freely in the farm or whatever amount of space that does not constitute a cage. The importance of this process is for the chicken to be in a healthy state of mind when it lays an egg which in turn will be in a healthy state of mind.

They say you are what you eat, so you want to make sure that the egg you’re about to devour or subject to boiling or frying, perhaps scramble altogether, or maybe mix it with  other ingredients that would change and erase any traces of its existence,  is a healthy egg with no psychological issues.

— Raghid Khalil 

 

How Microsoft made enemies in less than two hours at the windows 10 Event?


1- close to literally or holographically Microsoft pissed on Google glass with its #HoloLens, hence sending them back to their textbooks to relearn the #alphabet.

2- Microsoft introduced #SurfaceBook to outperform the top performing Mac Book, and it’s still at the surface as the name has it. What if they go deeper?

3- after dropping Nokia, Lumia evolved into into half phone half desktop, under the pretext of continuum or what I would like to call metamorphosis. It’s like watching terminator all over again.

4- needles to say, Microsoft has finally invited itself to its own party hence becoming the first party hardware manufacturer, instead of relying on third party ones.

From what I’m seeing it appears that Microsft  has has told almost everyone, “Tag, you’re it” or perhaps “Catch me if you can”.

The Vacuum Cleaner and I


When I was Single, I used to vacuum clean the house at most twice a month and prior to an occasion/ Event.
When I got Married, my spouse and I started vacuum cleaning the house more regularly, say at least once a week as well as prior to an occasion/ Event.
When we had our first child, vacuum cleaning became more of a precautionary act, so once every other day and there was no need to clean prior to an occasion or event, because the house was relatively kept spotless.
When our child became of the walking and running freely around the house age, we had to buy a newer vacuum cleaner with stronger suction power and longer extension cords that can reach almost anywhere and for some weird reason vacuum cleaning felt more like a prescription:
– 7 days a week.
– 3 times a day preceded by meals (breakfast, lunch and dinner).
– If you skip the lunch time don’t panic, just do it after the earliest snack.

Some common side effects:
– Fatigue, frustration, speaking louder, hearing issues but none are fatal.
– In some cases depression was reported, and loss of hope in ever having a clean room.

Raghid Khalil

Apple under the Microsoft Microscope


Apple: I am man’s first temptation.
Microsoft: more like the original sin.

Apple: I keep the doctors away (built in antivirus).
Microsoft: and the worms within (recent hacks).

Apple: I am man’s tastiest fruit.
Microsoft: and snow white’s deadliest fruit.

Apple: we’re in every household.
Microsoft: in other words, always a housewife, never a businessman.

Apple: just get off my back.
Microsoft: I thought you like being bent.

Raghid Khalil

A Lebanese Political Screw


I feel for our Lebanese politicians. They have needs just like the rest of us. They have urges too. After all they’re human beings born from the same fabric into the same society of which we breathe into and exhale.

To the spouses of the politicians, I address you in particular and I say this unto you: “Our politicians need a good screw. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It is the most humane thing you can do.

Please just get a good long sturdy nail & hammer and screw them onto a wall at home, and make sure they never make it to the parliament.”

The way I see it, it’s either the few get screwed one time or an entire population gets screwed possibly forever.

Of course my suggestion is with utmost respect to all.

Raghid Khalil 

It All Comes Down To This … Happy New Year


Happy New year everyone.

I don’t fully understand the concept and the excitement over the start of a new year. Ever since I was a kid I enjoyed a full moon. It was always about the full moon which is at its the last stages . Never was I called out to check the birth of a new moon; it was just not as fascinating, “oh look, there is a crescent forming in the sky”. Really? A crescent?

Happy-New-Year1Even in a solar eclipse, where the sun entirely disappears, the climax is during the complete black out. It’s towards the end of the existence of the sun. A few seconds of complete darkness. After that when it’s re-emerging back, it is not as fun anymore.

When people reach the end of their life that is exactly what they call it; The end of their journey. They never say, I will start a new life in Heaven / hell or I will be reincarnated in 10 days.

It is sad in a way that we contemplate on everything and we label them based on their expiry date. But why can’t we do the same with the celebration of the new year? Why can’t we celebrate the end of the existing one instead?

If I had a great year so far, I would like to be warned just like they do in malls, “dear shoppers, we will be closing in 30 minutes”. Maybe not along the same lines, but something like: “Hey, you’ve had a wonderful year so far, but you still have 10-15 days before your luck runs out. Do something about it. Buy a lottery ticket, or do something crazy.”

And if you’ve had a not so great year, you will hear something like: “Hey I know you’ve had a shitty year, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel, don’t despair”.

The current year as it stands, is something I am very well experienced with. The one to come is still unknown. I may not be too eager to see the year over yet, but I can only wish this upon everyone: “for those who had a good year, I hope it extends indefinitely. And to those who have experienced sorrow and misery or even consider themselves unlucky, I can only wish them a happier life with more ups than downs.”

New-Yorks-Times-Square-on-004

Just like in the movies, it isn’t over until you see the words “the end”.

You know what they also say, “ it’s not the end of the world”.

So Happy End of this Year to all 🙂

Raghid Khalil 

Spying on us U.S.?


So they’re spying … big deal!

ImageLately, that’s all we hear about on the news, how the US is spying on almost everyone on earth, even its closest allies. Well to reassure everyone, the USA just like any other country is also spying on its own people. In other words, they are employing the “equal spying opportunity” and that is something anyone spied on should feel proud of and should take advantage of.

But I am still not happy about that for one main reason. A few days ago I got the flu, and I was shivering in my bed with a high fever. I couldn’t even make it to the kitchen to prepare myself a soup or even get my own medication. Did they check up on me? No. Did they send me any medication? No. Did they at least send me a “get well soon, card”. No, Nothing. I got nothing from anyone. Yet we both know that they know I was sick.

Image

That same night, my one year old son started crying in the middle of the night, in his own crib. I felt helpless towards him. I wanted to go pick him up, but I couldn’t for two reasons, I was extremely sick, and I didn’t want to spread my virus or whatever I had on to my son; but I expected uncle Sam who spends sleepless nights watching us and over us to at least send in a Nanny to soothe my child back into sleep. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen either.

Now tell me, am I asking for too much here? Isn’t that why they are spying on us? Isn’t it to provide us care when we need it the most?

I am a bit disappointed to be honest with you, but I will keep on giving them another chance since I have no other option. With that being said, I could really use a hand with the laundry. If only someone was listening closely …

 

Raghid Khalil 

 

Hit List


Fotor0524101740If every Lebanese was asked to write down the names of five people he/she would like to see dead before the end of the day, knowing that their request would be granted, I guarantee you that the following morning we will wake up to a country with not one politician left. Now one might think that every Lebanese person hates the entire political crew, but this is where you’d be wrong. They only hate the parties that do not represent their religion and sect in particular. If they have it their way, they would rather eliminate any obstacle or in this case any other party that stands in their affiliation’s way.

Being a Lebanese myself, I think I can somehow project how the majority of Lebanese think.

Here it goes, if I have a list of Five:

To begin with, I will keep two names aside just in case something arises at a later point. Those would be like the Jokers in a deck of cards that I can use whichever way I want and whenever I please.

So now I am left with three names to write down.

I can’t just go ahead and write down the names of the high ranking politicians, because one way or another it would be redundant for I am sure someone else will have them on their list. Why one might ask? Simply because that person might have had a project that was turned down, or was asked for some percentage in return for a simple signature on a form. I guess you get the point; these officials have their own haters.

So those high ranking ones will be cleared out by others, if not, that’s where my two jokers will come into play. I would only need to choose only two names simply because any Lebanese will select only two of the top three but never all three at the same time.

Next we’re left with the parliament members. There are only a few of them compared to the 4 million people in Lebanon and the remaining 6 million outside of Lebanon who have a list of 3 blank names left, which makes up around 30 million variations provided they all keep two names as backup jokers. But we all know that the Lebanese don’t trust each other. So even if you write a name down, another person will definitely write it down too, just because you can’t be too careful and it’s better to be safe than not. It’s like double checking.

Since the Lebanese are known to be very smart, they know better not to waste their time with a name of a politician that represents a section, a city or a village other than theirs because they know for a fact someone from that area will get to the name, so they try to keep it local.

If however, the politician that represents them has won the last election and is currently a parliamentary member, they would then write the names of his 3 top members of the opposing party. If their representative failed in the last election, then it goes without saying that the currently serving will make it to their list.

Fotor0524101536In some cities and villages or sections of Lebanon, there is an overwhelming majority of one party. Of course those choosing the names wouldn’t wish anything bad to their leaders, so they will start writing down the names of the leaders of the opposing parties.

So far, we have the top 3 positions eliminated, then the leaders of all the parties, then all the parliament members as well as their next in line or their competitors. But what about the politicians that still exist, those we barely hear their voices or see their faces, they could very well surface when the dust settles?

Again, the Lebanese have a solution for that. And with that solution comes money. So just like money floats around during the election season, money will start playing an important role. You will see people filling out the list  of five names and will actually buy a couple more lists from people who are financially in need. They would manipulate their cousins and family members to fill out names they haven’t selected themselves. After all it seems like they want to diversify their lists.  That way, they can surely get a goodnight sleep knowing that every name they can think of, gets shot, stabbed, or blown up.

The end result will be a new day with no politicians, but the question remains, how long before we see the same flags being raised again and a new government with new names being formed? If I were to answer that, I would say before sunset of that same day, because our governments are not formed within, they come pre-packaged and poorly wrapped from the different corners of the world.

Raghid Khalil